...ever ask yourself, "What happens to Fluffy when the Rapture hits?"SFDB has just the website for you...
You've committed your life to Jesus. You know you're saved. But when the Rapture comes what's to become of your loving pets who are left behind? Eternal Earth-Bound Pets takes that burden off your mind.Alas, there's no coverage in Florida and there are some restrictions...
We are a group of dedicated animal lovers, and atheists. Each
Eternal Earth-Bound Pet representative is a confirmed atheist, and as such will still be here on Earth after you've received your reward. Our network of animal activists are committed to step in when you step up to Jesus.
[...]
Our service is plain and simple; our fee structure is reasonable. For $110.00 we will guarantee that should the Rapture occur within ten (10) years of receipt of payment, one pet per residence will be saved. Each additional pet at your residence will be saved for an additional $15.00 fee. A small price to pay for your peace of mind and the health and safety of your four legged and feathered friends.
Unfortunately at this time we are not equipped to accommodate all species and must limit our services to dogs, cats, birds, rabbits, and small caged mammals. [Please note: we can now offer rescue services for horses, camels, llamas and donkeys in NH,VT, ID and MT ]
[...]
If subscriber loses his/her faith and/or the Rapture occurs and subscriber is not Raptured (aka is "left behind") EE-BP disclaims any liability; no refund will be tendered.
In other words, you're a 2 time loser.
And, no, it's not a joke.
.
13 comments:
Since I'm a Quaker and therefore apparently not eligible for the Rapture, I would be happy to adopt a left-behind dog. And quite frankly, I'll be glad if it happens. All those annoying Jesus-shouters will be gone and then we can sell all their stuff on E-bay.
I'm a Jew and unless I convert at the exact moment of rapture I'm going down with the Quakers and atheist pet-lovers too.
So count me in!
This inspires some heretical thoughts:
If you don't have a pet, can you claim to be a righteous Christian if you haven't taken care of one of God's creatures? Perhaps, by not adopting pets, some Christians have delayed the Rapture.
If you have a pet, and haven't arranged this sort of care, can this be the reason that the Rapture hasn't occurred?
So it seems to me, to ensure one's ascendance, you have to have a pet, take wonderful care of it, and arrange for its post-rapture care.
But if you do this to ensure your ascendance, would this kind of manipulation ban you from claiming righteousness?
CLJ's question made my head hurt.
Do us Jews have a rapture? I just assumed we rose from the dead as zombies and inhabited some sort of Zombie Land, when...something... happened. (I spent most of Hebrew school drawing pictures in my Aleph-Bet books, and singing dirty words in the Birchat Ha'mazon).
Given my nebulous grasp on my future as a Jew, I'll just step up and say I'm more than willing to take care of some kittens as a Zombie. Kittens, snakes, gerbils, hamsters... No birds or dogs.
SuperBubbe --
Like Woody Allen says, I don't believe in an afterlife but I'm bringing a change of underwear just in case.
SFL - You think this is it? Grinding out objections to discovery and slogging through motion calendar? I was really looking forward to Zombieism as a sweet release, and a really nice change of pace.
Fluffy is toast. How long do you think this organization, at $110 per, will take care of the millions of left-behind pets out there?
A better idea would be to set up a company to convince Christians that Fluffy will go with them, through a special prayer cloth costing a mere $250. Think of the peace of mind.
Just for the record... the $110 we charge isn't for the care of the rescued pets. The pets are adopted by our rescuers as their own "family" members. They haveagreed to foot the cost of the pets' care and feeding.
The $110 is to reimburse them for the anticipated travel costs should the rapture happen, and generate a profit margin for them and the business managament.
This is all explained in our FAQs page.
Best regards,
Bart
creator and co-founder Eternal Earth-Bound Pets
eternal-earthbound-pets@msn.com
author of The Atheist Camel Chronicles
http://theatheistcamelchronicles.blogspot.com/
PS: believers in the supernatural, God/gods, et al, need not apply for rescuer positions. Sorry.
We can't take the chance you'll change "flavor of religious delusion" and leave our clients without a pet rescuer to fulfill the contract.
Anon- the problem with your approach is that you have to invest in the cloths to show you have them ready. By making it a service that only activates upon your ascendance, you get to keep it all.
Also, if you read the FAQ, the $110 covers the costs of having your pets adopted by a sinner, not the cost of caring for the pet until its natural passing.
Last I read, the bible says animals have no souls...
Perpetual preemptive war was invented by the accelerated rapture crowd and the military industrial complex.
Only the crazies take delight in what is happening.
Fundamentalists of the 3 abrahamic faiths are the dogged fruitcakes that this infidel needs a holiday from.
PS: believers in the supernatural, God/gods, et al, need not apply for rescuer positions. Sorry.
Does that include the Flying Spaghetti Monster?
Bobby,
We will make exceptions for Pastafarians.
Bart
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